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Understanding "No"
by David Coleman
For many of us, "no" is the first word that we learn. It is a word that has a
thousand meanings --meanings which we regularly misinterpret and manipulate to
our advantage.
This short statement often exposes us to our first doses of low self-esteem
which follows us into our adult relationships in the form of excess baggage.
"No, you can't do that." "No, you're not old enough." "No, you're not big
enough, pretty enough, or smart enough." "I said no!" "No, you can't go out
and play." "You're no good." "What is it about 'no' that you didn't
understand?" The list could go on forever.
As an adolescent and in our later teens we learn to use this word in a
rebellious context, as well as a way to establish our independence from our
parents and our control over others. "No way will I wear that." "No, I'm not
going to church." "No, you can't tell me who I can or cannot date," "No, I
don't want to dance just now," "No way you were that stupid."
Finally, as an adult, the word takes on an entirely new meaning. For older
adults, no can sometimes mean, "I can't change, I won't change, I don't need to
change --accommodate me!" Sometimes younger adults use no as a twisted way of
saying yes such as when their response of "no" is accompanied by a coy smile
when reacting to a romantic advance. This is a stage of game playing and
courtship. They can't just jump in with a resounding "yes" as their character
would be quickly called into question, but signals can get dangerously crossed.
There is often heartache and disappointment associated with word no. "No, you
didn't get that raise." "Sorry, no promotion this year." "No, you're not
pregnant." "No, you have not been approved for that loan." "No, I'm sorry,
you're just not my type."
Occasionally there is a positive no. "No, you are not the father." "No,
you're not pregnant." "No fault insurance will cover it." "No harm done."
"No, I'll pick up the check."
As the years go by, no for many people has never been learned or understood.
As a result, these individuals often violate the basic rights of others
without respect or regard to their consequences. Our society specifically has
named and in many cases will readily punish violators of the word no. To be
precise, date rape. When involving sexual activity, no does not always, or
even sometimes mean yes.
It is never too late to teach someone to respect the word no or learn to
acknowledge it yourself. You have a right to say no to others, as do they in
response to your words or actions. It is important to examine that your use of
the word is not at somebody else's expense or harm. And remember, in this day
you can always choose to say no to the problems in your life by seeking help
and making positive changes.
Then, the final context you will hear will be, "No problems here."
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